Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Remember, They Walk Among Us!

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Why Women Should Not Take Men Shopping

Thanks to MachMomma for this one... I'm glad I'm not the only person with a twisted sense of humor!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of Depends and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms, with a couple of steak knives from housewares along the way.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M & Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I Had To Go For A Ride Last Night

The wife chewed me out last night, for walking through the house with my boots on again. So I decided to jump on the bike and go for a quick spin, to cool down...

Boy, that ticked her off even more!!!



Thursday, December 17, 2009

Santa With An Attitude!




I hope for your sake you've been good!

Christmas Humor













Old Age

I got these from my mother. 80 years old and still a hoot.







Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Aviation Accident

*** This was e-mailed to me. I don't have an ex-wife... she decided to renew my contract. ***

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call that she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting. Seems she was forced to make an emergency landing in Hamilton because of bad weather. Thank God the kids weren't with her.

The FAA issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

The photograph below was taken at the scene to show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was really lucky.




Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Prayer for Daddy

I got this from my mother. I think 'Twisted' must be an old family name in our genealogy!
(It's funny, but then... not for some people!)





"Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer.
Amen."

Sunday, November 15, 2009

You'll "DIE" Laughing!

It's not in English, but it doesn't matter. This is hilarious.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Secret To A Long Life

Just in case you weren't aware of it - long life is possible in the 21st Century!

The secret to long life...



A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above,
sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said,
"I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint.
Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food.
On weekends, I pop pills, get wild with the boys, and don't exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"

"Forty-four," she replied.

Bert and Ernie - MUST READ!

OK I have to apologize profusely for this one, but I just couldn't help sharing.
***********************************************************

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead Goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD !

Overview:
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick', he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey', I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having Babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.. It disappeared I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him.

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for G~d's sake).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ...um, masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just, just...excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness..

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.. Lizards lay eggs!

~Bert and Ernie~

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Health Department Warning

If you receive an e-mail that appears to be from the Health Department warning you not to eat canned pork because of the swine flu, ignore it...




it's just SPAM.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Entertainment for Retired People

(Also posted on my political blog.)

I got this from my sister.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing
out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a poop-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had an Obama sticker.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Annual STELLA Awards

(Having attended law school, these are particularly funny to me. The crazy thing is that most of them actually have a reasonable explanation behind the humorous twist of facts.)

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for the past year:

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.
Start scratching!
*************************
* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...
************************
* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..
**************************************
*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..
**************************************************
* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching....
*****************************************
*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!
************************************
* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Deer Roping

For the hunters in your life - or- if you just like dumb people stories.
Actual letter from someone who farms, writes well and tried this!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed
it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The
cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there
looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT
stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it
would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had
cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their
back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.

I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be s o different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

All these events are true so help me God... Sincerely, Chuck O'Hearn

Important Health Warning!

You must see this important government health warning on MachMomma's blog page.

Link: http://machmommaandherlittlemustangs.blogspot.com/2009/10/urgent-health-warning.html

You have been warned!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Looking For My Car Keys

This is a funny video.



Saturday, October 3, 2009

See My Blog About BLASTOFF.COM

Blastoff.com is the latest in viral networking websites. It is in the pre-launch phase right now, but it will get big fast, much like Facebook and Twitter.


It's FREE, NO OBLIGATIONS, EASY, FUN, SAVES YOU MONEY and can MAKE YOU MONEY.


Go to: http://blastoffwithrick.blogspot.com


Please check it out and let me know if you have questions.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Be Careful... They Last FOREVER!

Ladies, I seriously hope you don't feel like you have to do this to please anyone. If age has taken you from a 36B to a 42 Long, it's OK!




Monday, September 28, 2009

I Haven't Laughed So Hard In A Very Long Time

A warning up front: some of these pictures are pretty crude. That's the world we live in. Having said that, I went to tears laughing at some of these. I apologize if you believe I stepped out of bounds on this one - please let me know. But if your picture actually appears here, I cannot apologize enough!

This website was sent to me by a friend. It's called "The People of Wal-Mart". I know it doesn't accurately represent the store and its people. These are the exceptions... thank goodness!

Link: www.peopleofwalmart.com

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Our Wonderful Legal System

This is a list of stupid laws in various states that I got from one of my law professors.
I noticed that California has the most... no surprise there!

Alabama
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

California
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

Florida
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
• It is considered an offense to shower naked.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

Georgia
• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office.
• Signs are required to be written in English.
• It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
• One man may not be on another man's back.
• It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

Massachusetts
• It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
• It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color.
• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
• Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
• It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
• Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.

Friday, September 18, 2009

EXTREME Redneck Jokes

There are redneck jokes...

then there are some extremes!

I got these from my daughter... who lives in rural Virginia. I hope she's not speaking from experience!

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Video from Priesthood Meeting

Swine Flu Symptoms

I don't want to worry you, but with all the hype and attention in the media recently concerning the spread of H1N1 virus I decided to ring the Government's new Swine Flu Helpline yesterday just to check on what the Symptoms are.


Basically .. If you wake up looking like this .. Don't go to work !!!


Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Observations on Growing Older

This was e-mailed to me by an 'older' friend. I'm not experiencing any of these things personally... no really, I'm not!

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"!

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on everything...movies...hotels...flights. ~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep"

~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...Now, " I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~When GOOGLE.ipod.email.modem ..were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You use more 4 letter words..."what?"..."when?"

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 P.M...next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired...you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....2 of which you will never wear.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

Proof of Global Warming


Redneck 911 Cal

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Your Government At Work - Environmental Protection - A True Story(?)


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County


Dear Mr. DeVries:It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referencedparcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders youto cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.



** Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **


Dear Mr. Price,Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could match their dam building skills, their resourcefulness, their ingenuity, their persistence, their determination and/or their work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of activity.


My questions to you are: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers? (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?


If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there is a violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the MichiganCompiled Laws, annotated.I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation --so the State will have to provide them with a lawyer. The Department's concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your letter, they being unable to read.In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the ice then and there will be no way for you or your staff to harass them then.Being unable to comply with your request, and being unable to contact you on your answering machine, I am sending this response to your office.


THANK YOU.RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BUILDING BEAVERS

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Do I Feel Lucky Today?

You are a South African bush pilot working for Blue Sky Aviation.

You fly in some critical medical supplies, enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital.

It's a stifling 100 degrees in the shade and you're eager to get back aloft to the cooler upper atmosphere.

On the way back to your aircraft, you discover that the only bit of shade within 1 mile has become very popular.

You start estimating the distance to the aircraft door and wonder...

'DoI feel lucky today?'


Friday, May 22, 2009

Two Boys

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in townhad been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old in first that morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,"Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even moreand shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,"WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it.!"

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Can Mormons Send Flowers?

A funny clip from the TV show 'Cheers'.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Souvenir from Somalia


Parrot and Magician

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored,his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance,the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece ofwreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raftand stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Computer Screen Cleaner

In case your computer screen is dirty, this might help. Most people are only able to clean the outside part, so this might be particularly useful:

Screen Cleaner link: http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Rules To Happiness

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............
Enough of that crap . . .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him . . . The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your 'ass', it always comes back to bite you.

The FBI Raid

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "FBI. Is this an emergency?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Lady At The Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................................

"Yes" he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

Disclaimer: I only passed it on, I didn't make it up!

Monday, April 13, 2009

A 'Taste' Of Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your &#%&$ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Knock At The Door

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Medicine Cabinet

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

The World's Oldest Profession???

Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve".

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos".

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning".

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who is your real friend?

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.






Put your dog and your wife (or girl friend) in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?



(OK, I didn't actually try this myself. I got this e-mail from a friend... not a 'real' friend, though... I wasn't in his trunk!)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

My Photography Portfolio

People have asked that I put my photography portfolio back on the web, so I have created a blog for it.

http://rickcarpenterphotography.blogspot.com

Hope you enjoy it!

It Takes People Like This To Make ME Look Smart!

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million dollar severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted in to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ...

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Doctors On The Bailout...

A little twisted humor from my mother... forgive me my roots!

The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package

The allergists voted to scratch it,
and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the radiologists could see right through it,
and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the a__holes in Washington.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

WALKING THE DOG - A True Story

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember...



......THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Shipwrecked

The hurricane came unexpectedly.The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said."I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman."I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branchesand the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man."You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman."On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools,and used the tools to make the hardware."
"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boatat a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually,"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied."I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastenedonto it's end. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vinesand smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Correct Answer...

This has been around for a while, but it's still funny...

When a Japanese Baby is Born...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Pre-School Phonics

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...





" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

The Teenage Driver

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son,and they walked everywhere they went!"

Sunday, March 8, 2009

How To Get A Soccer Partner

Watch this really cute video... Are little kids really THAT aware?


Need to Improve Your English Skills?

This is one of my favorite TV commercials.


Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how doyou determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub - then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Friday, March 6, 2009

The Patch

Don't Get Caught Drinkin and Drivin'!

One day, two rednecks named Billy Bob and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of cold beers.
The passenger, Billy Bob, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Billy Bob," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy Bob.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Oil Tanker: The Front Fell Off - Gotta See This One!

This is an interview with an Australian Senator about an oil tanker accident. This is hilarious, but it is also very odd. So odd that it's actually hard to tell if the interview was supposed to be serious. Maybe that's what makes it so funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43lBiJIzEPk

Letter From Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that daybecause I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersectionjust lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...

and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesusbecause if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out of my windowand started waving and smiling at all these loving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back therebecause I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny waywith only his middle finger stuck up in the air.When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seatwhat that meant, he said that it was probablya Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their carsand started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and I felt kind of sadthat I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;so I slowed the car down, leaned out the windowand gave them all the Hawaiian good luck signone last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Dividing The Pecans

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard,"One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done." They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The New Face of the U.S. Military! I Salute You!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already.

And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please...we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is or how they hide, launder, or cover-up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Why I Want To Be a Lawyer!

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD
THINKS WE'RE NUTS

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Bubba

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Bad Boy!


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

It's All About Perception

(This was e-mailed to me by a friend. Some expletives have been filtered to make it appropriate for this blog.)

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' ?

WELL, MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD HEADED, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT S.O.B. ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Fantastic Computer Animation - Watch

Just go to this link, click on PLAY and enjoy. I wish I was half this creative! But then I would be a nerd...

http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Friday, February 27, 2009

Mormon Synchronized Swimming

This is hilarious! If you haven't seen this already, it 'raises the bar' for ward talent shows!


Click on the YouTube link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86qKQJg3Z8

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I'm Still Waiting...

I'm Still waiting....I did what you told me.I sent the email to 10 people like you said.I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen.

To all my friends who in the last year sent me chain letters, best wishes, angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something, NONE OF IT WORKED!

For 2009, could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets, gasoline vouchers, stamps, canned food or airline tickets instead?

Thank you!

Be Thankful Your Boys Only Like To Skateboard!

Watch this video to see an extreme 'sport' you don't want your boys to know about!

Obama's Travels...


Friday, February 20, 2009

Living Will


Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a witch.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Giving Up Wine

From a woman I know:

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!''Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Monday, February 9, 2009

Retirement

My mother sent this to me. I guess it's her way of describing retirement.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Mrs. Hughes - Hilarious Video

Men vs. Women Video

My daughter sent this to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxtUH_bHBxs

Very funny.

That's My Story and I'm Sticking To It...

Not that I'm getting older or anything...

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

Cinderella Years Later

Cinderella years later -- Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.

Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered......... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

How To Tell The Sex of a Bird...