Thursday, April 30, 2009

Can Mormons Send Flowers?

A funny clip from the TV show 'Cheers'.

video

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Souvenir from Somalia


Parrot and Magician

A magician on a cruise liner had a parrot, who'd seen all the magician's tricks a jillion times, long ago having figured out the magic behind the magician's disappearing acts.
The parrot got bored,his owner growing stale and not developing any new tricks that the parrot couldn't figure out.
One night in the middle of the magician's performance,the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone drowned except the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece ofwreckage and climb aboard, immediately collapsing from exhaustion.
Soon afterward, the parrot flew to the magician, perched on the edge of the makeshift raftand stared at the magician. And stared. And stared.
For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot didn't take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir. Looking up, he saw the parrot, still eyeing him intently, not even blinking.
Another hour goes by, and finally the parrot squawks,"Awright, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Computer Screen Cleaner

In case your computer screen is dirty, this might help. Most people are only able to clean the outside part, so this might be particularly useful:

Screen Cleaner link: http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf

Rules To Happiness

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive..
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW ............
Enough of that crap . . .. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him . . . The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:
When you do something wrong, and try to cover your 'ass', it always comes back to bite you.

The FBI Raid

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "FBI. Is this an emergency?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Lady At The Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.
Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.
"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly."
No, she's not." he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.
The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife ............................................

"Yes" he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

Disclaimer: I only passed it on, I didn't make it up!

Monday, April 13, 2009

A 'Taste' Of Heaven

This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die tragically in a car crash. They have been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's nearly neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite, complete with Jacuzzi. As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
"This is Heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is Heaven. It's free!"
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your &#%&$ bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

A Knock At The Door

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

Monday, April 6, 2009

Medicine Cabinet

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

She didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills.

The World's Oldest Profession???

Three people were arguing about what profession was used first in the bible.

The Surgeon says, "The Medical profession was used first when God took a rib from Adam and made Eve".

The Engineer says, "No, engineering was used first. Just think of the engineering job it took to create the world out of chaos".

The Politician says, "You would have nothing if we didn't create chaos in the beginning".

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who is your real friend?

This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.






Put your dog and your wife (or girl friend) in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?



(OK, I didn't actually try this myself. I got this e-mail from a friend... not a 'real' friend, though... I wasn't in his trunk!)