Monday, September 28, 2009

I Haven't Laughed So Hard In A Very Long Time

A warning up front: some of these pictures are pretty crude. That's the world we live in. Having said that, I went to tears laughing at some of these. I apologize if you believe I stepped out of bounds on this one - please let me know. But if your picture actually appears here, I cannot apologize enough!

This website was sent to me by a friend. It's called "The People of Wal-Mart". I know it doesn't accurately represent the store and its people. These are the exceptions... thank goodness!


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Our Wonderful Legal System

This is a list of stupid laws in various states that I got from one of my law professors.
I noticed that California has the most... no surprise there!

• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
• It is considered an offense to shower naked.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

• It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroner’s office.
• Signs are required to be written in English.
• It is against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
• One man may not be on another man's back.
• It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
• Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

• It's illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits.
• It's illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color.
• No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.
• Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.
• Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.
• It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.
• Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.

Friday, September 18, 2009

EXTREME Redneck Jokes

There are redneck jokes...

then there are some extremes!

I got these from my daughter... who lives in rural Virginia. I hope she's not speaking from experience!

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Video from Priesthood Meeting

Swine Flu Symptoms

I don't want to worry you, but with all the hype and attention in the media recently concerning the spread of H1N1 virus I decided to ring the Government's new Swine Flu Helpline yesterday just to check on what the Symptoms are.

Basically .. If you wake up looking like this .. Don't go to work !!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Observations on Growing Older

This was e-mailed to me by an 'older' friend. I'm not experiencing any of these things personally... no really, I'm not!

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good. Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"!

~When you needed the discount you paid full price. Now you get discounts on ~You forget names...but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

~The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything...especially golf.

~Your husband is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you cared to do, you don't care to do, but you care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep"

~Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married...Now, " I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

~When ..were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

~You use more 4 letter words..."what?"..."when?"

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys but he's home by 9:00 week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet....2 of which you will never wear.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009