People have asked that I put my photography portfolio back on the web, so I have created a blog for it.
http://rickcarpenterphotography.blogspot.com
Hope you enjoy it!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
It Takes People Like This To Make ME Look Smart!
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million dollar severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted in to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million dollar severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting "Please come out and give yourself up."
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself, for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)
8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted in to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER ... THIS IS TRUE ...
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Doctors On The Bailout...
A little twisted humor from my mother... forgive me my roots!
The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package
The allergists voted to scratch it,
and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the radiologists could see right through it,
and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the a__holes in Washington.
The Medical Profession Speaks out on the Financial Bail-Out Package
The allergists voted to scratch it,
and the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,
and the obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
while the pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the radiologists could see right through it,
and the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas;
and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the proctologists left the decision up to the a__holes in Washington.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
WALKING THE DOG - A True Story
A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember...
......THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
True story.. Have a great day and remember...
......THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Shipwrecked
The hurricane came unexpectedly.The ship went down and was lost. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said."I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman."I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branchesand the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man."You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman."On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools,and used the tools to make the hardware."
"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boatat a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually,"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied."I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastenedonto it's end. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vinesand smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life. He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship. One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said."I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said. "I didn't know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Its only me," she said, " and the rowboat didn't wash up; nothing did." He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman."I made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branchesand the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"B-B-But that's impossible," stuttered the man."You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman."On the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools,and used the tools to make the hardware."
"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then." she said.
After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boatat a small wharf. As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually,"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like a drink?" "No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "I can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied."I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted,and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom." No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastenedonto it's end. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vinesand smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You mean--?" he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Pre-School Phonics
From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher:
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"
I took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!" And so it does...
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
The Teenage Driver
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son,and they walked everywhere they went!"
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get a hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son,and they walked everywhere they went!"
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how doyou determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub - then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub - then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'
'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Patch
Don't Get Caught Drinkin and Drivin'!
One day, two rednecks named Billy Bob and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of cold beers.
The passenger, Billy Bob, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Billy Bob," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy Bob.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
One day, two rednecks named Billy Bob and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of cold beers.
The passenger, Billy Bob, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Billy Bob," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Billy Bob.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
Oil Tanker: The Front Fell Off - Gotta See This One!
This is an interview with an Australian Senator about an oil tanker accident. This is hilarious, but it is also very odd. So odd that it's actually hard to tell if the interview was supposed to be serious. Maybe that's what makes it so funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43lBiJIzEPk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43lBiJIzEPk
Letter From Grandma
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that daybecause I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersectionjust lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesusbecause if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out of my windowand started waving and smiling at all these loving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back therebecause I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny waywith only his middle finger stuck up in the air.When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seatwhat that meant, he said that it was probablya Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their carsand started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and I felt kind of sadthat I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;so I slowed the car down, leaned out the windowand gave them all the Hawaiian good luck signone last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstoreand saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.I was feeling particularly sassy that daybecause I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersectionjust lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...
and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesusbecause if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind me started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out of my windowand started waving and smiling at all these loving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back therebecause I heard him yelling something about a"sunny beach"...I saw another guy waving in a funny waywith only his middle finger stuck up in the air.When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seatwhat that meant, he said that it was probablya Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.My grandson burst out laughing...why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their carsand started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,but this is when I noticed the light had changed.So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,and drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and I felt kind of sadthat I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;so I slowed the car down, leaned out the windowand gave them all the Hawaiian good luck signone last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Dividing The Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard,"One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done." They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!" The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth, let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard,"One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the gate, and we'll be done." They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The New Face of the U.S. Military! I Salute You!
Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already.
And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please...we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is or how they hide, launder, or cover-up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!
Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already.
And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose. We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please...we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare. Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is or how they hide, launder, or cover-up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!
Why I Want To Be a Lawyer!
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: That the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD
THINKS WE'RE NUTS
The lawyer sued...and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the Insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
ONLY IN AMERICA!!! NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD
THINKS WE'RE NUTS
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Bubba
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It's All About Perception
(This was e-mailed to me by a friend. Some expletives have been filtered to make it appropriate for this blog.)
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' ?
WELL, MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD HEADED, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT S.O.B. ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, 'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.' ?
WELL, MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS! ' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD HEADED, WRINKLED, FAT, GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT S.O.B. ASKED, 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Fantastic Computer Animation - Watch
Just go to this link, click on PLAY and enjoy. I wish I was half this creative! But then I would be a nerd...
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf
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